it seemed like the best solution...

I booked a flight to Scotland today.

It was only yesterday that I really considered the idea so, for me, this has been quite a leap. Hell of a deal, though. $560 round trip. That said, no one in Scotland has actually been informed of my intention of coming. I don't actually have any idea how this is going to work. First time traveling overseas alone, too! Should be a (scary) adventure. But i need out of my head, so this is good. Out of the city for a while won't hurt, either.

Saw Jane Doe speak tonight. Pretty moving. She's a hell of a speaker, hell of a woman. Much of it came down to the impossibility to social change re: violence against women until the good men make a stand. Bryn's a renegade.

My head is spin-spin-spinning. anxiety reaching white-noise levels. Trying to breathe through it and remember how much Scotland changed my life the last time i went (5 years ago!). My work is going to hate me for picking up and leaving, but I don't care. I need it, it's time, hallelujah.

procrastin' nation

10 pg paper due tomorrow, and i'm still staring at a weak outline. It'll be a marathon, but it'll get done // Potential craft nights on Wednesdays! I get to knit! it is glorious, i am excited // birthday soon // i found a lost potential friend again last night (marianne) making marko's quick exodus less of a drag // it is so stupidly beautiful out, this paper is cruel // kinda happy, in spite

just a mid-week existential dilemma

Int'l Women's Day was today. You can always except some inspiration to come from it.

And it did. But.. i got some insight into my arcane little self in the process. About the box I've build around myself, the rules I've created, the routines that rule me, the safety i've found in limits.

I am my own biggest obstacle. I know this isn't profound, but it is kinda painful to realize how much energy I expend on terrorizing myself. There are so many things that I want to do and there is nothing to stop me, really. And yet, i'm totally immobile. scared, scared, scared. and not just big things… like big activist dreams, finding employment in a social justice vein, or finally having the guts to apply to grad school. I’m talking smaller things (first). Like why I can’t commit to vegetarianism when I believe in it.

I'm good with my hands -- why don't i paint? craft? sculpt? and how I miss being in tune with my body -- what happened to my yoga? playing squash? i desperately need a physical outlet. so much tension lives in my body.

and people. i miss people, and yet I sequester myself off so frequently. I want seriously close and affectionate relationships with my family. I want warm and inspiring time spent with friends. what the hell am i wasting so much time for?

"All fires have to burn alive.. to live"

I can feel myself getting sick. My head is swimming and my bones are aching. These ailments get added to a persistently heavy heart.

These past five months have been difficult. In ways I never saw coming. I've had to defend myself, time and time again, to those who I thought loved me unconditionally.

I have been the target of grievances so often that it is becoming almost comical. And I’ve noticed that when I am not at fault, I am basically invisible. It has not been encouraging.

Everything is conditional and everything is changing. I need to change my focus, because my heart can’t take the guilt anymore. You’d think that friends and family who know me so well would know enough that I guilt myself into sickness at merely a word from them – that they don’t have to try to hurt me ("for your own good"). That I do it myself, no? That I begin to believe what they say, and can't seem to get my side, my experience, my hurts so successfully aired.

Change doesn't have to be so terrible. and because things change, I am not necessarily the culprit. this daughter/sister/friend needs support, too, cause change is fucking her up.

I’ve got to let this all go. I love so many people, and some of them even love me back. That should be all there is to it, no?