I can feel myself getting sick. My head is swimming and my bones are aching. These ailments get added to a persistently heavy heart.
These past five months have been difficult. In ways I never saw coming. I've had to defend myself, time and time again, to those who I thought loved me unconditionally.
I have been the target of grievances so often that it is becoming almost comical. And I’ve noticed that when I am not at fault, I am basically invisible. It has not been encouraging.
Everything is conditional and everything is changing. I need to change my focus, because my heart can’t take the guilt anymore. You’d think that friends and family who know me so well would know enough that I guilt myself into sickness at merely a word from them – that they don’t have to try to hurt me ("for your own good"). That I do it myself, no? That I begin to believe what they say, and can't seem to get my side, my experience, my hurts so successfully aired.
Change doesn't have to be so terrible. and because things change, I am not necessarily the culprit. this daughter/sister/friend needs support, too, cause change is fucking her up.
I’ve got to let this all go. I love so many people, and some of them even love me back. That should be all there is to it, no?
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