procrastin' nation

10 pg paper due tomorrow, and i'm still staring at a weak outline. It'll be a marathon, but it'll get done // Potential craft nights on Wednesdays! I get to knit! it is glorious, i am excited // birthday soon // i found a lost potential friend again last night (marianne) making marko's quick exodus less of a drag // it is so stupidly beautiful out, this paper is cruel // kinda happy, in spite

just a mid-week existential dilemma

Int'l Women's Day was today. You can always except some inspiration to come from it.

And it did. But.. i got some insight into my arcane little self in the process. About the box I've build around myself, the rules I've created, the routines that rule me, the safety i've found in limits.

I am my own biggest obstacle. I know this isn't profound, but it is kinda painful to realize how much energy I expend on terrorizing myself. There are so many things that I want to do and there is nothing to stop me, really. And yet, i'm totally immobile. scared, scared, scared. and not just big things… like big activist dreams, finding employment in a social justice vein, or finally having the guts to apply to grad school. I’m talking smaller things (first). Like why I can’t commit to vegetarianism when I believe in it.

I'm good with my hands -- why don't i paint? craft? sculpt? and how I miss being in tune with my body -- what happened to my yoga? playing squash? i desperately need a physical outlet. so much tension lives in my body.

and people. i miss people, and yet I sequester myself off so frequently. I want seriously close and affectionate relationships with my family. I want warm and inspiring time spent with friends. what the hell am i wasting so much time for?