"All fires have to burn alive.. to live"

I can feel myself getting sick. My head is swimming and my bones are aching. These ailments get added to a persistently heavy heart.

These past five months have been difficult. In ways I never saw coming. I've had to defend myself, time and time again, to those who I thought loved me unconditionally.

I have been the target of grievances so often that it is becoming almost comical. And I’ve noticed that when I am not at fault, I am basically invisible. It has not been encouraging.

Everything is conditional and everything is changing. I need to change my focus, because my heart can’t take the guilt anymore. You’d think that friends and family who know me so well would know enough that I guilt myself into sickness at merely a word from them – that they don’t have to try to hurt me ("for your own good"). That I do it myself, no? That I begin to believe what they say, and can't seem to get my side, my experience, my hurts so successfully aired.

Change doesn't have to be so terrible. and because things change, I am not necessarily the culprit. this daughter/sister/friend needs support, too, cause change is fucking her up.

I’ve got to let this all go. I love so many people, and some of them even love me back. That should be all there is to it, no?

warm & fuzzy

Had a fantastic night. So glad I got off the couch...

Heather & Emma made my night! So excited for New Years... Dance dance dance!

It waved RIGHT AT ME

Because I'm trying to be uber-positive about the unfortunate exam that i have to write in 14.5 hours, i must tell about the THING that made my day yesterday (yes, positivity is clearly a stretch when i'm holding onto yesterday's thing).

Driving to the heuther cafe to study, a man walks out of the costume store in a fucking full-body COCKROACH costume. All nonchallantly, he stands by the edge of the road and just slowely waves to me... his little cockroachy gross leg, just waving at me!! I giggled for 5 minutes.

Thank you cockroach man!

Embittered

Today is lame.

Work was particularly intolerable, and not because of the customers. I missed the Stitch & Kitch because I was too bitter to walk the 5 minutes after work, plus the guilt of the unlearned whole of Canadian History necessary for Tuesday's exam. My grammer is terrible and my mood is worse.

New Years is still somewhat of a question mark. Toronto, no matter what. Erin says it will happen, so I will believe her. A dress has strolled into work that might make me excited about the new years prospect for the outfit factor alone. I need to dance. need need need...

Fuck you, School. Don't you know I'm over you?

Abort. Going out for a drink...

Red Wine & Genocide

So... I'm drunk.

I shouldn't be. I should be writing a paper on "Rape as Genocide in Bosnia: the Politics of Silence, Representation and Resistance" but instead I am drunk. Whoops. Drinking seemed the only sane way to get through it, but now I clearly digress from that misguided "productive" path...

I cry a lot. That makes me a pretty hilarious academic, but a rather annoying person. Ask around, they'll tell you as much.

I have foreboding feelings about this upcoming holiday. My year has been such shit that I have little faith in it ending well. But I want to be positive! .. I want joy, and love, and drinks with the nearest and dearest.

So, this is my positive note. Only love this holiday. I just hope others will follow suit.

Back to ethnic cleansing... merry xmas!

(a salute to my pretties in the far East, xox)

what now?

They've gone. To Montreal, to China, to Korea, to Guelph. and what will i do now?

I think I will sleep more
and drink more reasonably (see: not under Kara's influence)
and brainstorm cute little packages to send them all.

this year i crave hibernation and quiet productivity. let's see how far I get until i crave chaos and live on Kara's montreal couch.

inspiration

Maybe it's too far into my consciousness for my own good, but I still believe that Delirium of The Sandman says it best...


perhaps that explains... a lot.

she's sick and up to no good...

Uh oh. Rachael is a blogger now. Too sick to go outside, she finds alternative ways to bother everyone. She has a special illness, it seems, that makes her type in third-person. Curious.